is nothing moving or am i numb?

i wander around the house with the lights off. i pretend to be productive, but usually i'm not actually doing anything. or maybe doing something but not getting anything done. i'd probably be lying if i said i wasn't scared to leave my house, but i can't be sure and i know at the very least i'm scared to admit it. i'm afraid of progress because i know i've given up and if i move forward it is in a direction that i do not like and am not yet prepared to go. i will linger for longer in the abyss. this chasm that exists without time and sometimes without space. i will listen to the air as it stills around me. it is salty like tears. if i didn't have to check the mail, i might never have opened my door.

i do not get mail to this house.

i am lost, plain and simple. and i refuse to hold anyone's hand though i reach constantly.