from an obvious distance, you see.

she doesn't want to talk about it. living like this and getting high off the attention and guilt at the same time. this whole game is a lie and at the same time some sort of perverse truth that is truer than the most honest of things. truth and honesty are linked, admittedly, but they are so very much not the same thing. but in all honesty, i don't think anyone really knows the difference.

but she knows the difference. intuitively. even if she's unwilling to admit it. she's open and honest with herself even if no one else will have the pleasure. to be honest, she is protecting their pleasure this way. no one said this was going to be easy. this sorting out of truth and honesty. this mixture of anxiety and compassion. the ever neutral bias. this great big love.

sure, she'll lead you on and go astray. sure, she'll tell you things you never heard anyone say. sure, she'll go places with you neither one of you's been. and sure, she'll do it all over again. with yourself and others. you're kidding yourself if you think you knew her and you didn't know this. you've seen that great big heart and you've heard that great big smile and you've laughed at words unsaid. and besides, you know this.

but everyone goes places and she knows this about herself and others. others recognize it only in her. some are afraid to admit it. recognize yourself and hear your great big smile. she never thought so much of herself to be the only one.