Silently Screaming

So many things.

I’ve hardly said anything yet, and I’m already tired of talking about it.

I find myself planning millions of conversations.
I find myself with so much to say.

And yet, I find myself silent and covert.
My mind is filled with words… everything is on my mind
It’s like looking at unsorted laundry through the glass during the tumble dry.
It makes no sense, and there’s no point in staring.
Nothing will get dry this way.
You packed the machine too full.
I’m too numb to fold the clothes anyway.

I find myself wanting to scream.
I find myself wanted to smash things.

And yet, I find myself sitting here calmly still.
It’s like the gravitron at the fair
From the outside, it doesn’t even look like it’s moving.
Inside is the ride of a lifetime.
Only I’m the one standing next to the kid with the weak stomach.
The centripetal force sends vomit into my face.
I just stick to the wall, vomit soaked.
I smile through the embarrassment.
I’m crying inside.

I find myself making drastic escape plans.
I find myself fantasizing about any place but here.

And yet, I find myself here. Always here. Never anywhere else.
It’s like fish in the wrong bowl.
They get covered in a thick milky film and slow and slow until they die.
They don’t even float to the top of the bowl.
You try to change the water, you try to change the food… but it’s no use.
The fish just doesn’t like the bowl.
It’s just not the place he’s supposed to be and he knows it.
Some fish are smarter than they let on.

Intelligence comes at a price.
I’m too smart to be sane anymore.

p.s. to the siblings who read this: you can't understand this anyway, so don't bother trying and don't worry about it.