Head Explosion *sigh*

when i said clutter i didn't mean... *sigh*

i was going to come on here and say how life is balls and rant and rave and... well, i think the anger stage might be over already. *sigh*

let me check to see what the next phase is. they gave me a handy dandy booklet with a pretty scene on the front and a little charm. and despite my anger towards the book at the time and my wondering why they would give it to anyone cause i can't imagine anyone being able to read it, i still grabbed the charm and immediately stuck it on my keychain.

it is my cat, after all. if they're going to put me in charge of the decisions, i at least get the charm.

so i killed my cat yesterday. not killed. euthanized. i'm not pleased with either word.

i'm supposed to be in denial now. it doesn't really feel like denial. feels kind of baseline... but i guess denial is the universal human condition and so it should feel pretty baseline.

man, who studies this kind of stuff? i think it would be fascinating to study. the more i look at it, the more i think i'd like to do psychological research. but it's overwhelming the number of things i could do, i could be, i could see, i could go, i could learn. it's overwhelming. there's so much potential.

so where was i? right. *sigh*

i'm very tired. maybe i'm in a lull between stages, because the anger one was quite physically draining. unless i'd been coincidentally hit by the flu as well. but that's just cruel, don't you think.

oh and don't forget the sneezing. the sneezing was fun, too. what the eff is up with that? oh right. makes perfect sense. the petting of the cat during the comfort room last goodbye, the crying, the sniffling, the constant wiping of my face equals violent sneezing. duh.

*sigh*

i'm tired. i called in tired this morning to work. lol. seriously. i left a message basically: not much sleep, tired, resting, see you in the afternoon most likely.

i felt like a baby being all i was a total drama case putting down my cat that i couldn't function and had to curl up in a ball the whole night and i'm still too sad and physically ill that i can't come in yet. i'm embarassed even by being such a drama case before i left work yesterday.

now you know what makes me cry.

just for the details: kitty cat spleen cancer equals totally abnormal. testing for feline leukemia as viral (viral?) cause. if so, other kitty family members at risk. oi vay.

and just so you know, i'm officially against pets. i will not get any more. i'm too sensitive. i think i'm too sensitive for friends and any creature attachment in general. i'll still be a recluse... just no cats.

which is such a shame since so many of you were looking forward to the crazy cat lady phase of my life.

. . . . .

oh, and by the way. my monitor threw up my whole desk, and since then it got mad skinny. now i have this huge giant desk and this teeny tiny slice of a monitor. pretty hawt.

now to attack the rest of the clutter.

clutter?