Monday, May 1, 2006

Telephone Me.

bloggers, i apologize. i have been inconsistent. you deserve better.

i'll lie and say it was an experiment. to see if my absence would as they say 'make your hearts grow fonder'... but i think mostly that everyone just gave up on me. my small small small audience has probably dwindled. please come back! please come back, i beg you! i need to be validated.


actually, i don't even need anyone to read for me to write. it's mostly myself i write for anyway. you guys are kind of like voyeurs. you are like a witness to my tree falling in the forest with no one around. er... no one but my witnesses, at least.

witness means you have to tell someone. i learned that at church this weekend. it's obvious i guess. . i just never thought about it.

i don't have much to say.

scratch that.

i have tons to say but not necessarily to my blog-audience. my life is a joke. a joke, which very possibly, only i find amusing. but i certainly find it amusing.

let me tell you something about myself.

this isn't amusing.

when i was younger, i had a veritable phone phobia. i could not use the phone for any reason, and if i did, it was only under extreme duress. (i don't know if i used the word duress appropriately).

du·ress constraint by threat; coercion: confessed under duress.

yeah, so i was somewhere on the mark.

anyway, so under extreme duress.

as an example, i could not order pizza. every friday night we ordered pizza and every time my family would try to coerce me into ordering it. they did this to either (a) help me grow - face my fears. or (b) to call out my faults and mock them. even if it was mostly (a), there was always a little (b) there:

oooh, the pizza man is going to bite me over the phone. what's your problem?

ever had an irrational phobia? is there any sense in asking what's your problem? cause, eff. if i knew what my problem was, i probably wouldn't have the problem.

anyway, i'd like to say i got over my phone phobia. i'd like to say that my summer job working at the pizza pizza call centre (which, i don't even need to point out, was ironic to the point of silliness, and was met with further mocking from my family members who felt it necessary to point out the sheer perfection of me being the person on the other line that i was so afriad of). anyway, i'd like to say that did the trick. of course, i am much better now and make use of the phone in manners that i never thought possible before. but, alas. i cannot say that i am cured.

even when i am calling close friends: i spend five minutes with the phone in my hand. i rehearse my greeting. and i come up with topics in case i find myself in need of one.

is this insane? my heart beats a little faster... a little too fast, ever single time i am on the phone. it's nuts. i feel nuts. i try not to think about it much... but i feel nuts.

one of my greatest fears is calling someone and having the following conversation play out:

me: hi, it's a.
person: a who?
me: a b.
person: who?
me: a b from *insert whatever place i know you from*

like that's the worst thing that could ever happen to a person... someone not recognizing your name on the phone. when i should know that most people are embarassed, as i would be, to admit that they didn't know who was on the phone and they would just have the conversation hoping that something would eventually tip them off so they would know who was on the phone.

eff. i'm nuts.

i just had to get that off my chest.

don't call me, i'll call you is basically one line that i will never use in my entire life.

i prefer to be called, than to call... cause then i get to decide whether or not i am feeling emotionally stable enough to pick up the phone and talk to someone.

so i'd rather say: telephone me.

and then laugh about it all the way home.

and then some.


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