Wednesday, April 25, 2007

i don't know what is in those new migraine pills, but they aren't exactly working and i don't exactly feel right... not in any obtrusive way that i could point out, just off... like the kind of tip of your tongue type off, that you can't describe accurately.

i'm not going to complain cause my life is pretty decent. but a fact is a fact. and the fact is migraines are sucky.

i have no internet and this is all you get right now, you lucky dawg.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

(that's going on my wall when i get a canvas hanging kit)

canvas hanging kit?

art is the plaything of divine creatures

Friday, April 13, 2007

hunting for nothing.

i'm a little bit a nomad. just a little bit. i can't say for sure.

i've never been able to say anything for sure.

i'm in between places, in between houses, in between head spaces. my things are scattered all over the place and i realize now how little i actually need. some people. a place to rest my head. a toothbrush. i find enough in the things i've left around to get me by. and i'd get by even if it weren't there. and i find i'm always leaving myself hints. i find i'm always finding myself in little places tucked away in corners and all over the place.

Sunday, April 8, 2007

something about a smile

you know it makes you feel really good to give something to someone. to watch them smile. to see what it has done to another person to have received something from you. so when you think about it, Jesus giving his life for everyone must have made him feel really good. good for Him.

i'm not trying to be disrespectful or anything here. i'm trying to say something.

(do things for other people)

so if you have a candle lit. even a big candle. in the middle of the room, say. and it's giving you, you know, only so much light.

and then you take a whoooooole bunch of teeny tiny skinny little candles and you dip one in another in another until all these little candles are lit. the room is lit up. and everyone has to take off their coats cause it gets so warm in there.

i'm trying to say something.

something about a property of light, or at least fire, but light.

maybe you have no idea what i'm talking about. but if you are not moved looking at that first candle that started it all and then looking around the room maybe at somebody you spoke to in the dark... a million people all lit up by candlelight. . . shoot. you're missing out.

something about a property of light.

something about passing a flame from one person to another.

something about a hand shake. something about acknowledging another person. something about embracing someone else's existance.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

it's so easy and so obvious and so true.

it's all love, baby.

all love, babies.

from the belly, like a child

even as i look around my room i am confronted with so many different possibilities. so much potential for learning. i suppose i have been holding on to all this for a time when i'm meant to make more use of it. but at the same time i want to slap myself on the wrist for ignoring it for so long.

we live in an age, people. isn't it astounding? the potential for learning? the potential for creativity?

so much needs to be done. it's just a matter of relaxing into it. accepting the reality that you've always been creating for yourself. ending up exactly where you've always been going but didn't know. you are just what you've led yourself up to.

and here is a difference between people:

those who believe they hold the control.
those who know better.
the ignorant.

though not to sound self righteous. like i've known all along and i'm better than anyone. it's really not like that at all.

the truth of the matter is that i am childish and i refuse to accept any responsibility for my life. allowing it to unfold on its own so i don't have to make any decisions.

though, i have never been ignorant.

(though i do declare some moments of)

so i just kind of noticed it.

i don't pretend to have figured this out. and even when i have tried to, i have failed. and what is supposed to happens anyway.

be like children.

i don't pretend to understand.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

am i giving up or just getting started?

it's too much, this world. there is too much choice. too many pieces of sand and besides, the sieve lets everything through.

i'm called in so many directions. how can i be expected to sift through it all to find the truth? how should i know which voice to listen to? some voices offer beautiful rewards. some tragic consequences. some both. so many of them don't seem to conflict at all, most collide in unpredictable ways. but some of the voices deny this overlap. despite the crashing noises, they ignore the collision. and they call me to do the same. who can tell anymore if the voice is a wolf, learned to imitate sheep? the devil sounds pretty, my friends. but so does God.

i keep expecting some sort of clear response. but every day a fog lifts and another one settles. it is exhausting. and i weep for you.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

one day i'll meet someone who knows what i'm talking about
without saying one word.

... that's pretty much what i was talking about in the first place.

Monday, April 2, 2007

you knew about the whispering the whole time.

it's a natural urge. you can't fight it.

well, i can't rule out the possibility that it's just me. well... it's at least not just me.

ok, to be more accurate, some of you know what i'm talking about.

oncoming drivers, oncoming bikers, oncoming pedestrians, oncoming anyone. you aren't kidding anyone that you don't notice me. and if i'm caught looking at you, how can it be considered rude, when you are blatantly ignoring that i exist here. i'm standing right in front of you. taking up all this awkward space and we're walking right by each other and i'm right here.

i think it's natural for us to want to acknowledge each other. no grand gesture. just i see you here, too. acknowledging right to exist or something to that effect. i don't know. but i know that feeling of getting all awkward when someone catches you acknowledging their have taken up residence in my obvious line of sight. it's that special kind of awkward that only humans get. the sort of awkward that we've manufactured something around. but deep down inside you know something about your true self is lying to yourselves. or tricked you in for more efficient dealings with other humans cause they've all been tricked in, too.

how did we get so tricked into?

it's not rude. it's not creepy. it's just reality. quite obviously you are here, and i acknowledge you cause i see you. it's a farce to pretend that i don't. and i don't think that you're that stupid. so i don't pretend to think that i do.

you needn't pretend, too.

it'll make you less scared. it'll make you less isolated.
you acknowledge me. i acknowledge you.

i'm not saying you have to smile. i'm just saying some sort of end to the denial that currently exists between us. like none of us are here. or at least, none of you.

besides, we are pretty good at acknowledging each other. we are pretty smart creatures to do what we do.

we even acknowledge each other without even
acknowledging we do.

in our boxes on wheels behind safe little windows we easy maneouvre our ways round the the world.

we all would have crashed by now if we weren't whispering back and forth the whole time.

you know this.