Sticks and Stones Will Hurt My Bones

Serotonin Boney Ville.

ah serotonin.

i feel better already.

i ran today. it was for the greater good.
everything is for the greater.

and a butterfly flaps its wings.

i have another crazy weekend to get through. and then i'm free. free to do as i please. though boy who i wanted to do as i please with is going into hiding.

limited freedom.

now, that's an oxymoron.

ox·y·mo·ron: A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined, as in a deafening silence and a mournful optimist.

and the silence deafens.

in case you care, that is my favourite lyric in a song. ever.

that and: and in my town you can't drive naked.

although the latter has to do with the line having nothing to do with the rest of the lyrics, randomly placed in the background of the song.

and of course, since we don't want an instructional offence on our hands, the former is a jem song and the latter is a blink 182 song (off the cheshire cat album that i loved before blink 182 got huge). and as a side note, jem is pretty much incredible so buy it. or download it (disclaimer: this is not to say that i promote 'stealing' music. this is not to say that i don't either.... use at own risk).

which reminds me of some things i have to do.

i am happy, my friends. and happiness is all that matters. elevate your serotonin levels, my lovelies. it is for the greater good.

your happiness is important to me.

i had many a many a story to post, but i never got around to it and now they sort of seem to far away to type about. but i will do it if you want me to. here are your choices:

(a) my via rail/taxi cab story which involves a man-woman, a fiesty old lady, a chinese lady with poor english skills and her conversation with a pakistani man who also doesn't speak good english (speak good english... that's something like an oxymoron, maybe).
(b) my first road kill experience.
(c) my hotel utica memories... the little that i have.
(d) maybe i could make something interesting out of z's graduation weekend.

i'm sure there were others, but i've forgotten. please vote. maybe with all my limited freedom, i will end up posting them all anyway.

peace babies.

Little Black Dress

i'm sitting around blogging in a vera wang, people. i am totally out of my element. vera wang and flip flops though. you all thought i wasn't going to get to wear my flip flops, but i did it y'all.

it's mother's day. and for mother's day, my mom is going to sit alone at a hotel and try on the dresses she ordered online and had delivered to my sister. seems pretty lonely to me. but she is the one who told me i had to go this formal.

i hope things don't get too messy tonight. i have to work in the afternoon. and hungover four hour car rides aren't exactly my idea of fun.

do you ever stop and wonder.

wtf am i doing here?

i find myself wondering that more and more these days. i was at a boxing match last night.

wtf.

and i enjoyed it.

maybe the boxing is rubbing off on someone.
wwjd.
wdjd.
wtf.

Thimbles and Haystacks

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!

but i won't lie: i love it.

unfortunately the overwhelming situation that is my life presently has turned me into a bad blogger. there is just so much to write about that:

(a) i don't have the time to write about it.
(b) the choices are so overwhelming that i cannot choose anything and my posts degrade into pointless ramblings

how is this different from any of the other posts?, you ask.

toushay.

that's like a checkmate in fencing.

i've lost my train of thought. eff. like i had any to begin with. i will leave you with some closing thoughts... and practically opening thoughts cause i have just begun to write. and poorly at that. so let's go with what other people have said well before me:

be gentle with yourself. be kind to yourself. you may not be perfect, but you are all you've got to work with. the process of becoming who you will be begins first with a total acceptance of who you are.
- somewhere in a book i read once and then put on a post-it note on my wall.

i wish i'd written Our Town. i wish i'd invented rollerblades.
i asked A. E. Hotchner, a friend and biographer of the late Ernest Hemingway, if Hemingway had ever shot a human being, not counting himself. Hotchner said, "no."
i asked the late great German novelist Heinrich Boll what the basic flaw was in the german character. he said, "obedience."
i asked my adopted nephews what he thought of my dancing. he said "acceptable."
- Vonnegut, Timequake. if you don't love Kurt Vonnegut, you aren't reading it right.

anything in The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain.
- me. but i guess it's Mark Twain that deserves the credit. if you don't love Mark Twain you aren't reading it right.

if you don't like me, you're not reading it right.

The Return of... I Got Nothin'

congratulations to rally and his pretty lady on their new born baby. i wish the three of you all the joy in the world. my only advice is to love every minute of it. (who am i kidding? i have given crap loads of advice on this matter in the past months).

who am i kidding? they both have so much going on now that they probably don't read this anymore... prolly no one does because i haven't been writing.

z, tell me you are still checking back. please. i need you!

i haven't turned on my computer in days. i feel unnatural here right now. i don't know what to say. like those times you run into old friends from high school and you kind of stand around awkwardly not knowing what to say.

*awkward moment*

but i guess that was only for me, because you are getting all my thoughts one after the next. not stalled and disjointed.

i'll tell you what's going to be awkward though... me, in a dress, at z's formal with a boy i've only met once for a brief conversation - though a nice conversation - surrounded by tons of strangers who all know each other and know that i am not one of them. i don't know what i've gotten myself into.

me = sleeping
phone = ringing.
me: hello?
z: hey, i have someone who wants to ask you something.
random boy: WANNA GO TO THE FORMAL WITH ME? *this question was asked with excessive force and quickness*
me: huh? wha? what time is it? who is this? what's going on? is this a joke.

cut to next morning.

me: mom, z's friend asked me to the formal last night. isn't that ridiculous? like, there's no way i could go.
mom: you are going.
me: huh? wha? what time is it? who is this? what's going on? is this a joke.

now. don't get me wrong... i make it sound like this is the last thing in the world i want to do. i do love to drink. and the occasional party is nice. but i don't really love getting dressed up. and i will have to drive four hours saturday and monday just to party for the night in an expensive dress that my mom ordered for me online that may or may not fit me once i get there to meet the package. oh. not to mention the fact that i generally don't like to meet people and all that social anxiety/awkwardness... though this may be somewhat relieved by the alcohol (open bar!) or perhaps heightened. i can't be sure. anyway, there's nothing like experiencing something outside your limits. bypass the familiar. every once in a while, i suppose, it's important to venture outside of your own familiar territory and satisfy yourself that you can indeed handle anything that might come your way. anyway, all in all i am excited to go. z's fun to drink with now and again. anyway, i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore. i'm confounded.

like variables.

but not all of them.

you wish i hadn't come back. i'm out of my element.

my new element is fast cars and loud music and sunglasses at night.

there's nothing like jem playing so loud in a car that the bass causes wind to blow through your hair.

Telephone Me.

bloggers, i apologize. i have been inconsistent. you deserve better.

i'll lie and say it was an experiment. to see if my absence would as they say 'make your hearts grow fonder'... but i think mostly that everyone just gave up on me. my small small small audience has probably dwindled. please come back! please come back, i beg you! i need to be validated.

lol.

actually, i don't even need anyone to read for me to write. it's mostly myself i write for anyway. you guys are kind of like voyeurs. you are like a witness to my tree falling in the forest with no one around. er... no one but my witnesses, at least.

witness means you have to tell someone. i learned that at church this weekend. it's obvious i guess. . i just never thought about it.

i don't have much to say.

scratch that.

i have tons to say but not necessarily to my blog-audience. my life is a joke. a joke, which very possibly, only i find amusing. but i certainly find it amusing.

let me tell you something about myself.

this isn't amusing.

when i was younger, i had a veritable phone phobia. i could not use the phone for any reason, and if i did, it was only under extreme duress. (i don't know if i used the word duress appropriately).

du·ress constraint by threat; coercion: confessed under duress.

yeah, so i was somewhere on the mark.

anyway, so under extreme duress.

as an example, i could not order pizza. every friday night we ordered pizza and every time my family would try to coerce me into ordering it. they did this to either (a) help me grow - face my fears. or (b) to call out my faults and mock them. even if it was mostly (a), there was always a little (b) there:

oooh, the pizza man is going to bite me over the phone. what's your problem?

ever had an irrational phobia? is there any sense in asking what's your problem? cause, eff. if i knew what my problem was, i probably wouldn't have the problem.

anyway, i'd like to say i got over my phone phobia. i'd like to say that my summer job working at the pizza pizza call centre (which, i don't even need to point out, was ironic to the point of silliness, and was met with further mocking from my family members who felt it necessary to point out the sheer perfection of me being the person on the other line that i was so afriad of). anyway, i'd like to say that did the trick. of course, i am much better now and make use of the phone in manners that i never thought possible before. but, alas. i cannot say that i am cured.

even when i am calling close friends: i spend five minutes with the phone in my hand. i rehearse my greeting. and i come up with topics in case i find myself in need of one.

is this insane? my heart beats a little faster... a little too fast, ever single time i am on the phone. it's nuts. i feel nuts. i try not to think about it much... but i feel nuts.

one of my greatest fears is calling someone and having the following conversation play out:

me: hi, it's a.
person: a who?
me: a b.
person: who?
me: a b from *insert whatever place i know you from*

like that's the worst thing that could ever happen to a person... someone not recognizing your name on the phone. when i should know that most people are embarassed, as i would be, to admit that they didn't know who was on the phone and they would just have the conversation hoping that something would eventually tip them off so they would know who was on the phone.

eff. i'm nuts.

i just had to get that off my chest.

don't call me, i'll call you is basically one line that i will never use in my entire life.

i prefer to be called, than to call... cause then i get to decide whether or not i am feeling emotionally stable enough to pick up the phone and talk to someone.

so i'd rather say: telephone me.

and then laugh about it all the way home.

and then some.