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i mostly find that life happens just right when i just let it happen to me. perfectly perfectly ordered.

i lost my train of thought between the cat and the music.

i met a new cat today. elton. elton john. he's a rocket man.

he's adorable.

he'll need to have a meeting with my camera before he gets too much bigger. little cats get big so fast. i love little cats. and i especially love big cats.

pretty much, i love cats. that much is obvious. whatever.

kings of leon = awesome in the non-sarcastic way.

and awesomely glorious = red hot chili peppers concert.

i love concerts. i love them so much. it's the weirdest thing. cause especially at a huuuuge concert this one, and sitting way the way back and up in the stadium, with the force of the music pounding and pounding and pounding, and the lights just screaming at you... well, it's pretty intense. i don't know how people stand, cause i absolutely cannot when i am up there. there are times when the music and lights, perhaps in strobe, are so intense that you are afraid you might throw yourself forward or something rationally ludicrous but accutely possible in that moment. you grip the arm rest to make sure you are still seated properly. so anxious you might even try to look away from the lights. and still you wouldn't trade that moment for anything. it's totally the weirdest to me. i had a great time at the concert.

my cat just just fell asleep in my lap, and his head just drops like bomp, i'm alseep now. i don't know, it was the cutest thing. he's so very much asleep right now, his body's like so relaxed. it's calming to have that right next to you. like our energies are aligning.

woah. and the music had paused and i didn't notice. there was extra minutes between songs pretty much that whole time i was typing about ray - who just woke up as i typed his name - and suddenly when i finished typing and was sitting there like, ok, where was i, what now? then suddenly the new song started. perfectly perfectly timed.

ok, i was done a while ago. sorry.

umm.umm.umm.chili peppers.tomorrow.excited.awesome.awesome.

People.Awesome.Pretty Much.

first things first, my dears.

i don't know what this is. stop. message type in a bottle thing.

what?

mulligan.

i pulled off another most awesome awkward wave today. it's either look around to see if they are waving to someone else and i think that's awkward and unfriendlier. or just don't react. and that's just unfriendly. or wave. and why not? but still awkward if it's very clear to you and everyone around that they weren't waving to you, but only to you a fraction of an instant too late. by then. arm. air. awesome.

aw.kward.

i stole that. from someone else. it's spoken word.

i pretty much have to play some guitar. pretty much, i have no choice.

pretty much, i love you.

What is it? oh. It's just me.

for all this talk of changing the world, i haven't made much difference.

for all this talk of personal revolution, i sure haven't made one.

my problem is, i got it pretty easy. not really that i've had it particularly easy. but i sure didn't have it tough. and it's always been the case that many things have been easy for me. which means it's also easy to be lazy. or. i am lazy. and i get away with it cause i can.

what is that drive? and how is it measured? and what is it dependent on?

you can study anything you know.
i want to study many things.
i study everything.
it's my tragic flaw.
my hamartia.

so let's apply this attitude to the problem of my laziness. i'll be perfectly empirical about it.

after all. i have been looking for a project.

Hip to be Square

wait for it. wait for it.

a
...a
.......h
..........h


and long exhale.

settle in, folks. i've no idea what to expect. and i don't plan on using any of the control options.

i'm hungy now. they didn't feed us at the square dance for squares. it shouldn't have come as a surprise that squares eat like leave it to beaver. well, i don't think i have seen one episode of leave it to beaver, but i'm sure they would be appalled by the concet of dinfast. i'm sure most people would.

we've never been most people.

just to be a fly on the wall in one of these people's homes. any of them. any one.

no one's ever been most people.

and yet. there are some things that are pretty much universal.

love. . the great equalizer.

seriously, is that what they say the great equalizer is? or is it something else? or can i use it for anything that i think it's appropriate for? wouldn't 'the great' imply it can only be one thing? is that from a poem? have i ever known this? should i feel like i should?

so far google says money, marriage, the atom bomb, technology... now i'm tired of the search and feel i have answered my question.

be like children. that was the theme of the homily today.

for a sqaure dance for squares it was a pretty hip mass: interfaith dialogue, read the Koran, be like children, learn philosophy, criticize your leaders, pacifism and reason.

mom *frowning*: like who has a copy of the Koran kicking around?

actually, i do. and it's been on my project list for a while.

you know. for squares they don't square dance very well. maybe everyone's so a-flutter from the occasional hand touching.

temptation.

let's get married.

purple. purple. purple. purple.

pink + blue.

equals.

hot.

?


mom: like you even know anything about kissing.
me: do you really think that....... are you really that....... and you still think i'm nor...... are you worried that i...... is that how i........ seriously?????!!

squares.

circles and squares.


********


unfortunately, i did not grab any melba toast on my trip to the kitchen. i did not even grab any water. it was just a cover story. but then i never covered. i'm a sloppy spy today. i will blame the rye.

most likely i will have to make the trip again. the cover has become the mission. i love melba toast.

someone tell me that when i say i love plain melba toast the way it kind of suctions to your tongue when you eat it, in the same way that the inside of pita bread does, they know what i mean. because people look at me like i am crazy when i tell them this.

i evoke this type of reaction for lots of different reasons and from most people.

screw you, cause some people find it endears me.

en.dear
Pronunciation: in-'dir, en-
Function: transitive verb
1 obsolete : to make higher in cost, value, or estimation
2 : to cause to become beloved or admired

but what endears you to others, i may just find annoying. c'est. la vie.

cause even the weirdest people are making purple.

once again. love is the great equalizer.

along with technology and the atomb bomb.

art show and tipsy at the hospital

there is more where that came from

. . . much. much. more.

look! millions of lady bugs. just sitting there on my fingertips.

B is for...

brett.

Digging in the Attic

le sweet.

it's like it practically exists, and yet it changes so much.

today, i bought two hundred and fifty gigs of hard drive. call me a materialist, but it's seriously made up of hardly any material. i'm a digitalist if anything. i love memories in word form, and music form, and picture form. it certainly changes the way you think of space. like a whole nother dimension of space that stems from a tear in three d space. break. my. mind.

change the way you think of things.

and now i have fingertip access of all the music, and words, and pictures that i stored up in the past. hidden away in dusty cds cases, missorted and forgotten. this opens up a whole new world. like a whole nother dimension that stems from a tear in the material.

change the way you think of things.

there's so much on here i haven't seen for years.

change the way you thought of things.

you will benefit, i'm sure.

What's Your Appetite?

i've tried some of the weirdest things tonight. some of the weirdest combination of things. i didn't think it would be so easy. i didn't think it would be so hard. some shoes are bigger to fill. and others just feel. . .

are those my feet?

woah.

what have you been eating?

Head Explosion *sigh*

when i said clutter i didn't mean... *sigh*

i was going to come on here and say how life is balls and rant and rave and... well, i think the anger stage might be over already. *sigh*

let me check to see what the next phase is. they gave me a handy dandy booklet with a pretty scene on the front and a little charm. and despite my anger towards the book at the time and my wondering why they would give it to anyone cause i can't imagine anyone being able to read it, i still grabbed the charm and immediately stuck it on my keychain.

it is my cat, after all. if they're going to put me in charge of the decisions, i at least get the charm.

so i killed my cat yesterday. not killed. euthanized. i'm not pleased with either word.

i'm supposed to be in denial now. it doesn't really feel like denial. feels kind of baseline... but i guess denial is the universal human condition and so it should feel pretty baseline.

man, who studies this kind of stuff? i think it would be fascinating to study. the more i look at it, the more i think i'd like to do psychological research. but it's overwhelming the number of things i could do, i could be, i could see, i could go, i could learn. it's overwhelming. there's so much potential.

so where was i? right. *sigh*

i'm very tired. maybe i'm in a lull between stages, because the anger one was quite physically draining. unless i'd been coincidentally hit by the flu as well. but that's just cruel, don't you think.

oh and don't forget the sneezing. the sneezing was fun, too. what the eff is up with that? oh right. makes perfect sense. the petting of the cat during the comfort room last goodbye, the crying, the sniffling, the constant wiping of my face equals violent sneezing. duh.

*sigh*

i'm tired. i called in tired this morning to work. lol. seriously. i left a message basically: not much sleep, tired, resting, see you in the afternoon most likely.

i felt like a baby being all i was a total drama case putting down my cat that i couldn't function and had to curl up in a ball the whole night and i'm still too sad and physically ill that i can't come in yet. i'm embarassed even by being such a drama case before i left work yesterday.

now you know what makes me cry.

just for the details: kitty cat spleen cancer equals totally abnormal. testing for feline leukemia as viral (viral?) cause. if so, other kitty family members at risk. oi vay.

and just so you know, i'm officially against pets. i will not get any more. i'm too sensitive. i think i'm too sensitive for friends and any creature attachment in general. i'll still be a recluse... just no cats.

which is such a shame since so many of you were looking forward to the crazy cat lady phase of my life.

. . . . .

oh, and by the way. my monitor threw up my whole desk, and since then it got mad skinny. now i have this huge giant desk and this teeny tiny slice of a monitor. pretty hawt.

now to attack the rest of the clutter.

clutter?

The Change

there is so much in my life that i could do without. so much excess. and there is so much more that i need. so much more that takes up no space. i will have to reorganize. i have little bouts of it. but there's nothing like a full fledge breakout. the symptoms are telling me that this one will be heavy. with this, there will be quantifiable change.

i will read it.
i will eat it.
i will sleep it.
i will breathe it.
i will be it.

be the change you want to see in the world
~ mahatma gandhi

Recognize

i'll do this thing if it kills me. people will recognize. and eventually, even i will recognize.

it's clear it's in my blood.
clear fluid in my veins.
it rushes cool, refreshing.
and leaves me joy like pain.

there is no difference anyway.
it's just that thing that we call life.
is this called work, is it it play?
do i use a spoon or knife?

people will recognize.

Boohonky

i can write nothing that will sum up how i feel. i can write nothing that will express even an inch of the way i feel about so many people and creatures and places and things and experiences.

i can write nothing.

but i will anyway.

people are the best. that is the most vague and most accurate statement ever. and the last part was a blanket as it is my favourite use for a phrase. we're not talking stereotype judgment blankets. we're talking the warm comfy kind of blanket. what's the point of a blanket if it isn't warm and comfy.

i'd write a song for everyone if i had the time. no. scratch that. i'll write a song for everyone. and i'll write until i run out of time.

er. time. whatever. wrong ballgame.

i hear a grumble or two about my 'people are the best' comment. yes, i hear it ahead of time and through the computer screen. don't argue with me, i'm always right.

you are saying but what about so and so who do such and what?

i say boohonky. i just made that up.

i say boohonky for a number of reasons.

(a) you will never be able to understand someone's intentions until you are sucked into a black hole and your whole mind is turned inside out and then on top of that you put on the person's shoes, which may be sizes too big or too small and a style you would never wear. only then can you even begin to understand. at which point you might think to yourself why did i never think of that. and consequently your mind will explode and possibly turn right side out again but even still you will never be the same.

(b) don't even pretend to think that if you were so and so that you know for certain that you wouldn't do such and what, because for starters you can never know that and for main course you would be so and so and it's pretty inevitable that you would do such and what and you would believe in the reasons why you did it.

(c) nobody thinks they are evil. nobody thinks they are wrong. nobody realizes that lots of people can be not wrong at the same time while thinking different things.

(d) i can't remember why i am writing this list, or even what boohonky means.

peace.

i love you.

Huh?!

getting ready to delete again.

is it something that i just have to accept? that i can't find balance?

i still have this little while to get through. but i've been sensing the pattern for a while. it's like crashing waves. crashing, every time. low tide. high tide. . . we can learn a lot from water. and the moon. and just the cycles, cycles everywhere of the world.

great vibe with the earth, man. i keep telling you that.

fall. winter. spring. summer.

then fall again.
then fall again.

fall is my favourite. fall starts alive again.

and fall is all you remember in hibernation. but don't kid yourself. you love hibernation, too. as long as you're let live with it. let hibernate.

i'm slowing down again, again. my body's had enough.
i'm slowing down again, again, again. m'body tires catching up.

let hibernate. let it wait until hibernation. let it think about it then. there will be lots of time for lots of that.

don't kid yourself. you love hibernation, too. as long as you're let live with it.

my mom's all what's with the walk in the forest?! i'm all let hibernate.

well, clearly i didn't say that to my mom. i said yeah, mom. i'll be down for supper in a minute. but i meant let hibernate. i think i communicated let hibernate. because she did look at me like huh?

my mom's all what's with?! everything anyway. huh?

Sweet Tryst

it is so wonderful to be home sweet home after being away sweet away.

we stayed at the omni sweet the omni.

seriously, the omni is pretty sweet. well, not when you are sleeping on the couch in direct line of wind flight from the air conditioner and you are crashing in someone else's room because there were no vacancies in the whole city and you didn't plan early and it's just lucky that your best friend was visiting the city that weekend, too with her sister and they had planned and gotten a room earlier so you don't want to turn the air conditioner down because they are probably warm in their nice big bed, which is a sweet bed at the omni sweet the omni and i know because i got a whole one to myself the next night to put the cherry on top of a really great weekend record of twenty bands in two days.

here is the list of bands i saw in chronological order:

metric
k-os
clap your hands say yeah
amon tobin
sonic youth
islands
ben lee
wolf parade
final fantasy (personal favourite finding)
dobacaracol
g.love and special sauce
the hidden cameras
patrick watson
bedouin soundclash
the bell orchestre
damian "jr. gong" marley
kid koala
the flaming lips (personal best show of show)
lady sovereign (the some huge impressive talent for a little girl)
ben harper & the innocent criminals

oh yeah, and my best friend randomly calls me:

her: what are you doing this weekend?
me: going to montreal?
her: are you serious? i am at the border! i was just going to call to tell you that if you don't come to montreal we aren't friends anymore.
me: i guess we're still friends.

luckily for me, too. or i'd have actually had to sleep on the mountain as i so confidently joked.

and i had just enough camera and phone battery, and my team. . . well, my team was on my side the whole time.

synchronicity is still my friend.

i'm a lover of so many things.