PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!!!!!

Monday? You Should Call It Confused.

so remember earlier when i was all progress this?... yeah. i'm a liar.

so i wake up this morning at 6:30 and think to myself

self, is this the time i usually wake up? or am i an hour early?

and then i proceed to lay around and think about it for fifteen minutes or so and i decide that i am an hour early. goodie. time for yoga and surfing the net and general lying around and thinking about getting dressed and making awesome breakfast and hell even lunch!

so then it's 7:45 and i am now ready to get ready. cause after all, i was up an hour early and now i should be just on time. so i get out of the shower and i tell the broski that the shower is free, and he isn't there. in fact, he isn't anywhere! so i'm nervous and i phone him.

where are you?
i'm at work?
liar. where are you?
i'm at the shop. i get to the shop at 7:30 every day. you are an idiot.
no, you are an idiot. why are you there so early? what is WRONG with you!!!!???
you are an idiot. leave me alone.

it's at this point that reality sets in. it is now ten to eight and i leave at eight. so i'm like an hour behind. massive rushing and laughing and waking up the whole house cause it's time to go like now, and i am not really concerned anyway cause really it's just work and there are way more important things going on and my life is just a pea, like war in the middle east and shit.

but wouldn't you know. an hour lost and i was still only two minutes late! and that's cause i had to run back for my celly.

so i guess that means i gained an hour. i don't know. time is funny. i am reading all about it right now and it is blowing my mind/nothing that never occured to me before. but i think it has the potential to blow my mind.

i have this bruise on my wrist right where it meets the desk and it's obnoxious and i don't know what it's from, well, maybe from when i walked into the wall earlier cause i was entranced by the running yelling children. not running yelling obnoxious, but running yelling adorable.

Breezy Monday

so.... morning. monday morning. this week will be different. i'm trying to make this week different. it's starting off well. but i'm still only seven and a half hours into it. and i was asleep for six and three quarters of it.

but keep in mind, this is already progress.

there are a lot of things to be done.

start your own personal revolution.

have i ever told you that i control the rain? it's been going on for years now. since i was little and i still knew how to fly. well... not control the rain, but, you know, like we have an understanding. the rain is chill... and well, not fly. but rather, levitate.

don't tell me it's not true, because how would you know anyway? you haven't really been paying attention.

p.s. there are some ladies who commented such nice things. (thanks). and i am not sure if they just stumbled upon, like a one time thing, or if they are long time readers, or maybe new readers...? anyway, welcome. welcome. i hope you'll find it's a friendly environment.

much peace, much love my darlings.

Go. Listen. Be Still.

http://www.bobschneidermusic.com/

http://www.lilyallenmusic.com/

show me yours. what's today?

so. i don't know. things. good vibrations. excitations. yeah. yeah.

i have the most random things flying through my head right now.

the difference is: can you live without it? find your purpose.

like chihuahuas today. i'm sorry. i should just type bob schneider lyrics. that would make this worth it.

but i won't. go listen.

Where Does It All Go?

*shriek*

i swear the monitor is going to eat me. it's so huge. it already ate my whole desk, like it's a fisher and my desk is a cat. seriously, it was brutal.

and i got me some new ram. now i have to wear a hat when i use the computer. i don't know why i wear a hat. my dad told me to. but it won't do anything except fall off. and i will just have to hold on to it.

hold on to your hats.

i threw out so much stuff today. and it seems that after all that i just have more. i don't know how it's possible. i don't know where this stuff comes from or where it goes or how the whole world isn't filled with people's junk just piled up all over the earth. seriously. does anyone know how this is all possible. like when it's graduation time in montreal and people come from all over the earth to stay in this already packed to the brim city and they all somehow have a place to go. like where do they all go? how is it possible? the logistics just don't make sense to me. then i start to imagine all the buildings are see-thru and i can see everyone everywhere and they are like ants living right on top of each other and oi vay my head hurts.

you know? like they just keep making paperclips...

Patches Times More

like patches didn't already have enough patches. like enough already! he's been through so much!

we took timo in to have his stoner drugs replaced and they couldn't get the thing to stick on the previously shaved portion (one of the previously shaved portions) of his body and so brain wave! they shaved another and glued it to him. like glue it to the old one if you are just going to glue it anyway. you know you are just going home to laugh about how you are uglifying my beautiful cat because you are jealous that a cat is better looking than you and you are jealous that i am better looking than you and i have a better looking cat than you.

the vet is like a weird burlesque house. seriously. everyone's a chick and they're all made up and dressed in those sexy blue and different shade of blue nurse-type suits. like isn't that every guy's dream? that and tons of animal smell and sanitary doctor-type stuff. it's purrrradise. wouldn't you say? plus, it's a strong belief of mine that standing next to a cat (or sitting or whatever in the vicinity of a cat) makes you look prettier. so there's lots of cats and even though they are like diseased and maimed they still make you look more beautiful standing next to them. that's why i have three, didn't you know? i refuse to be photographed without them.

off topic, but still at the vet: there were the two loudest people today at the vet with their dog, and they wouldn't leave forever and all they did was have the mutt weighed. it was like their friday night social time. and they were soooooo loud and talking over each other and even set off their car alarm and i wanted to die and my mom kept making super huge loud groaning noises to make fun of them in her own special way and i had to leave the building before my mouth exploded into explicits and then i would have to strangle them because, for the love of pete, it needed to be done.

Four Today

*note shaved area and fentanyl patch.

my precious precious timo went missing this weekend. horrible imaginings flooded my brain. i couldn't sleep.

my dad - despite his self-proclaimed despise for anything cats - seems somehow psychically connected to timo, finding him in two minutes hidden and despondent under the porch that i spent the whole weekend calling his name from on top of.

i was standing right on top of him. literally. under my nose.

i feel guilty about this.

one suppose hit-and-run (or maybe a kick-and-run), one night stay in the hospital, one iv, two fentanyl patches, one enlarged spleen, twenty percent iron blood count, one broken pelvis, four shaved patches, two x-rays, four to six weeks suggested cage rest, and nine hundred and seventeen dollars later. . .

timo is home now and mending peacefully. . if not somewhat stoned. and unless by 'cage rest', the vet meant setting up my parents bathroom and bed for timo to roam freely, we are doing everything exactly wrong. but for now he doesn't do much anyway, and i firmly believe that after his trauma it is more important that he feel safe with his humans and he seems to want to desperately be around us, so i cannot shove him into a cage for the next four to six weeks. he will go crazy.

to top this all off, ray is now jealous of all the attention timo is getting. i brought him in to see his brother and get back to the cutesy wootsie lovie dovey stuff they do. there was a little sniffing, and then ray raises his paw and i think 'oh this could be real cute. . . or real dangerous' and smack! he hits him right in the face. i was so mad at him for that. like he doesn't have enough problems all wobbly and fragile and limited to only one or two rooms in the house.

it should be noted however, that ray did try to tell me where timo was:

meow meow meow *with increased urgency*

oh! you are going to show me where timo is?!! *follows ray*

meow meow *walks away from porch*

yes! let's go get timo!

meow meow *walks back to porch*

what? you just want inside? *opens door*

meow meow *walks away from porch*

ok then. let's go find timo!

meow meow *walks back to porch*

inside?? *opens door, getting frustrated*

meow meow *walks away from porch*

oh forget it, you are just confused *stomps off*

i feel guilty about this.

also important to note that momma cat, despite her actions in the past indicating that she is not a good mother but rather quite crazy and evil to her babies, showed some very clear signs of protective mothering this weekend. whereas i spent the whole weekend wondering what kind of strange outdoor cat i have that just spends all her time in the screened in porch. i thought she just liked the various cat abodes we have scattered around the room. looking back now, and noting that presently she spends little to no time even remotely near the house, i realize that she was just standing guard for timo.

well, aren't they just an adorable little family?

yes.

maybe my cat will fight your cat when he's rested and better for the title of best cat. and i won't lie just to spare your feelings. . i'm certain timo will reign victorious.

Three Today

look how long my hair is getting! see? i'm over it already. onto other things.

i most definately love to play dressup. i can't remember how i felt about it as a child.

Two Today

lucky readers.

i'm certain there's a way to keep track of these things. . ?

here's the lesson for the day: let it be. . they keep coming to me in song.

paul said let it be.
john said let it be.
george said let it be.
starr said let it be.

man. can i ever get sidetracked. (presently one hour later). i have no idea where i was going with this.

This Is Not Helping The Migraine

i don't have enough friends for the ones i have to cause me so much frustration. frustration finally turned rage-anger. now that i've given up for good.

you are effing up my batting average.

i have enough friends.

so if we were dating, we could break up? but because we are friends, we are supposed to work it out? i don't buy it. let's break up.

i dare you.

well, i never turn down a challenge.

back off, seriously. i'm going to sic my cat on you.

speaking of cats.... never mind. it's a long story. they are all long stories and i have no energy after the useless waste of energy that was the last two to three hours of my life. *head explodes*

i know i have been distant. things have been happening. too fast. you might be updated. you might not. don't expect too much. and don't base your expectations on other people's advice, because most likely they are chimps and most likely you have been misinformed and now you're forty days late and you are in for eight to twelve more months.

chimps!

it's a wonder there aren't more road accidents.

Love, Where You Come From?

i've said it before. i'll say it again.
i've heard it before. i'll hear it again.

everybody's
got a story.

and when you find it, you should always be able to say: shizz. that shizz is worse than my shizz. i'm so glad i have my shizz over that person's shizz.

mom:what did you just say?
me: shizz.
mom: what's that?
me: haha, mom. that's just something snoop dogg says.

*shrugs* meh. surprisingly that ended the topic right there. word not stricken from the record.

i do it just to test limits. it's all a game. i have to keep myself entertained somehow, don't i? . . i suppose i could test my limits in other ways.

it's important that you love where you come from. basically, it's a matter of loving yourself. then it's mere logic. i am me. i came from where i come from. i am where i came from. i love me. i love where i came to. i love were i come from.

love where you come from.
forgive where you come from.
live where you come from.
be where you come from.
express where you come from.
express yourself.
love yourself.
live yourself.
forgive yourself.
be yourself.

be yourself.
i love you.

love is selfless.
pure love is self less.
pure love is selfish.

oh, so easy and so complicated at the same time. complicated and time consuming. i will have to put in some time. i will have to put in some time for sure. and probably less time than i expect. but it's just a matter of gritting my teeth and doing it. i used to be real good at gritting my teeth. then i had a jaw clenching problem. and i had to learn how to not grit my teeth. and so, when it's just a matter of gritting my teeth. . . well, you can see the dilemna.

i told you. so easy and so complicated at the same time.

it's been a full weekend. it's important to go out with a bang. like eating so much cake that you don't want anymore. besides. everyone should celebrate every now and again.

i love my new foot rest a.k.a the subwoofer. the beat massages my foot. great vibe with.

read the alchemist.

great vibe with the earth.

every day i feel more stronger about myself.

every day. every person. should feel more stronger about themself. it's all a matter of how you look at it. every day should never be just another day.

Who's Your Pusher?

stop pushing me, ok?

i'm in unfamiliar territory here.
this place is not my own.

but oh. this is a pretty computer.

i'm spending the weekend with a friend. i'm spending the weekend partying harder than i've partied in a long time, but not ever. my morning after self is impressed with last night self. she pushed her limits, but didn't get pushed into more than she could handle.

who's your pusher?

i'm cool like LL.

(that is very interesting what LL did there. because if one were to not capitalize it ll, then it would be hard to tell if it was II or ll - those ll's being two different letters, i won't tell you which - so it's just for clarity that people will *always* have to capitalize it, and people don't always capitalize. like me. but there you go, LL gets capitals even from me as i am catering to clarity).

so yeah. seriously. not only do i have one pant leg rolled up right now (pyjama pants... but i won't deny i've been out of the house looking like that for temperature and pant-leg-falling issues), but everyone thought i was the coolest chick last night. it's not hard to get attention when you are the only girl hanging out with a bunch of guys. the best being that two other girls showed up and occupied the two boys i was with for a while so that i could just have some alone time to deal with my post-concert euphoria and starey-offy-into spacey. and then suddenly there was two guys on the piano after i thought it was all over. musically, the night was more than i could ask for.

and then. the best, too, is that people started getting up and dancing to the music and people were drunk like i'm-celebrating-my-birthday drunk. anyway, they were awesome and they were shouting counting crows lyrics right at each other like almost competing who can shout it more passionately, and right shouting right in the other's face. totally awesome. and they're acting it out and everything. awesome. but that's not even the best part yet. then they are twirling each other and of course we can't forget the dip. can you see where this is going? girl totally bites it when she's being dipped. bam. floor. awesome. you're like *oh* and holding your breath for all of point seven seconds and then you have to laugh. she's getting up, she's fine, that was hysterical. and then the piano man, well one of them, says *what the hell was that?* right after he finishes which affords me the opportunity to replay it in my head and laugh again rather loudly and hysterically, and then he says in the next song *here's the part for dipping. . . careful* and again i relived it.

oh well. maybe you had to be there. falling is the best.

who's your pusher?

when i left my mom last - yesterday - i was getting out of the car and she knew she would not see me as soon as usual. she says:: don't be crazy :: just like that with really stern serious and concerned tone and face.

like i can even get crazy. besides. doesn't she know that i've banished that word? i will only be allowing the term eccentric from now on. *i'll set the cats on you*

or maybe this wasn't a warning at all. maybe i misread the whole situation. perhaps she was only recently made aware of the new eccentric policy and she's expressing her fully supportive view to me:: don't be crazy ::

ah. i see the lesson: who's your pusher? it should have been so obvious... well, i guess it was obvious. staring me in the face. it's only going to be so long before i open my eyes, you know. a matter of time.

who's your pusher?

do you let people push you around? do you let people push you around because you, yourself, are trying to push yourself but you aren't going to do it so you are giving in to someone else because you know you need to?

:: does it make a difference ::

sure. sometimes. but not when you're a whining baby.

and why do you need to let someone push you around in the first place? when did it get so hard to push yourself? and why can you push yourself in some areas, but not in others? and there's no way that's your full potential yet anyway, so keep pushing. and just how should i be pushing this thing? which way? how long? how hard?

quit whining, baby.

just roll up your sleeves - or maybe just a pant leg - and push. this includes pushing back. but shoving matches are an entirely nother animal.

sometimes - probably a lot of times - i say 'nother' out loud. i know it's not the word, and i know it's not correct at all, but i like the way it sounds and looks. anyway, my mom always asks me incredulously 'did you just say nother?' like she can't believe it and doesn't remembering asking me already five times in the past.

maybe she doesn't? i forget things all the time.

maybe my hearing is superior. i'm looking into it.

i love this computer. it's really nice, i feel it necessary to comment on it again. it's so pretty. so white little iBook G4. want buy laptop so badly. no think reasonable financial move. *sad, about-to-cry face*

but i do want a laptop. i just know i won't do enough research to actually go and buy the one i want. and i always want an ipod, a banjo, an electric guitar, i will hold off on putting bass on the list for now that s has one but i will want one eventually, a tambourine, and there are other things. but i am so hungry i could bite off my own finger... it will pass. these cannibalistic tendancies.

i'll be sleeping on roses petals.
this rose bushes thing just seems unpleasant.

i want. i want. i want. i want. i want. yes i am - aware of my suppressed material-esque tendancies. but it's more a matter of art and my ability to access it from a receptive and creative standpoint. so i want art. and no. that's not a want. scratch that - need art. so that's that then. i just justified my rather cravenous list.

oh wow. i am tired from sitting in this chair now. i will need to pull - push - myself away from the pretty laptop with the nicely bouyant keys and glossy white vibe. good morning then. i mean that in the way that people mean good night, in that they are going to bed (or in my case: going to couch).

good morning.

Et Encore

encore. et encore. et encore.

priorité n'est pas avec moi.
quoi plus?
tout le monde a priorité avec moi
et pas ceux qui compte.

encore. et encore. et encore.

je m'laisse trompée.
quoi plus?
je m'laisse trompée par le monde
qui ne compte pas.

encore. et encore. et encore.

j'admet la défaite.
quoi plus?
j'admet la défaite avant
qu'essayer combattre.

encore. et encore. et encore je cris pas encore!

et encore.

Who's In Control Of This Thing

a picturebox came in the mail today. a picturebox of surprises!

a picturebox!

i know! i can't believe it! i can't stop yelling it in my head!
you wouldn't believe it if i told you.

am i in control of this thing? am i the one who is making these things happen? and if so, why me? what gives me that privilege? and how do i exercise more control over it?

with great power comes great responsibility. . but i already knew that.

it's suspicious though, no? highly sus-pect? it's a little too well ordered, a little too fully in-tact. impossible to ignore. . so why're you all ignoring it, then!?

this is a picturebox: we're all inside it.

mainly it's about change. it's about letting it all go but never forgetting. it's about learning something from everything and everyone. it's about putting everything in the best light. it's about brutal honesty and truth. it's about aesthetics. it's about blurry distinctions and clearly ordered boxes. it's about navigating through life: future, past and present. it's about navigating through your life. it's about navigating through my life. it's about myself. it's about imposing my outlook on other people. it's about imposing myself on others. it's about not imposing myself on others. it's about unimposing strict rules. it's about undefined order. it's about perfection. it's about chaos. it's about creation. it's about imagination. it's about fantasy. it's about reality. it's about dreams. it's about understanding. it's about patience. it's about joy. it's about love.

Paying Closely Attention

is it strange? that we live with these animals? and we sit and we stare at them? and rub them? and take pictures of them? and basically, don't you just sometimes look at a pet and think oh my! wow! look at that. that. creature. oh my! wow! and it just lives in my house and i don't ever really know what it's thinking and that's a large amount of trust and. . well, that's just what i feel like sometimes.

oooooooh. stupid. stupid. stupid. *sneezes*

you forgot to remind me not to touch my face after the hour long petting session. now, wash hands immediately.

whatever. i still have the most crazy chilly cats ever.

you can tell things about a person by the way they feel about animals. of course. every little thing is meaningful when you are paying closely attention.

what kind of umbrella do you own?

p.s. it won't always be just pictures of cats.

Benny and Neo

The cats look scary...what are you feeding them. They better calm down by the time I come to visit.

-Z

initially i laughed at this comment, but then upon looking at the picture again, i could see how it might be scary because it does look like ray could be inside of there and then he would have changed so much - scary. but no.

that is neo. he is a long haired versioin of ray. he does not belong to me. he lives with my friend and his family and his cat friend, benny, who is a short haired white male kitty. neo and benny are as in love with each other as ray and timo, though they are not brothers.

i am totally pro animals in pairs.

Elephant Skirts

---

at this point. i need it just to feel comfortable.

at this point. i need it just because it's there.
-
it's only a problem if you think that it's a problem.

denial is the universal human condition.

-

dance, dance, dance.

giggle, giggle, giggle.

dance, dance, dance.

don't talk about the elephant.

-

spit it out already! who is it that you don't trust? is it me? is it the whole world?

-

is it.

-

yourself?

---

at this point. i'm no longer uncomfortable.

at this point. i don't need it 's just there.

-

it's only a problem when you make it a problem.

denial is the universal human condition.

-

dance, dance, dance.

giggle, giggle, giggle.

dance, dance, dance.

don't talk about the elephant.

-

tell me something. tell me anything. who is it you don't trust?

-

is it.

-

yourself?

---

don't kill time.

can you tell?


is it. obvious?

i might have reached my words quota for the day.

i might have reached my smart ass quota for the day.

nothing like testing the limits. and walking the thin line.

and stumbling briefly a few times, but catching yourself.

good night, my dears. i'm tired.

Sneaks and Cutesy Tops

oi vé. how do people deal with the responsibility? the sheer pressure of it all? to live up to their own potential? and how do others walk around completely ignoring it? unaware that they have yet to live up to one enth of their potential? and how come they aren't staggering under the pressure? even if they ignore it, shouldn't it still be there?

right·eous: Morally upright, without guilt or sin; In accordance with virtue or morality; Morally justifiable

i know many righteous people. certainly, most would not call themselves righteous. certainly, most would not want to risk getting caught up in the societal implications. certainly, the truly righteous lack judgment and so would have no need for such a label anyway.

i am righteous.
oh. so you think you're better than me, huh?
yes.

no.

i bought a yellow and salmon pair of shoes today. rychuss, dudes. and other equally rychuss striped t-shirts and tank tops and vibrantly bright or highly planned decay golf shirts. i can't help it, i guess. i love clothes. i love things. i have a lot of them. i can't lie. i struggle trying to decide if this makes me a bad person. i have so many things, so many people have so little. i like to think that i could live without it all. i know i could. . could i? i'm not attached, right? can i blame myself for having these things? can i blame myself for this time and space and situation that i have been born into? can i blame myself for having no reason to turn down materialistic pleasures?

i. sure. can.

can i still enjoy my rychuss new sneaks and cutesy tops?

i. sure. can.