Saturday, June 30, 2007

fuzzy static noises

living forever always scared you anyway

i can't expect anyone to stay the same. i wouldn't want to. and i can't expect myself not to change. and i can't say i wouldn't want to. and still, in some ways i stay so still and and stagnant and unchanged. in the best of ways. in the worst of ways. but anyway, i'm just sorting it all out. i wouldn't be learning anything new if i'd sorted it all out by now. your time is up when you've learned all you can learn. i think we all know this somewhere inside of us. that once you figure it out, you've got to move on. so the longer you stay still and stagnant and unchanged, the longer you get to sort it out.

but you know, right? you only get so much sand to play with.

oh but that's right. everything scares you.

nothing phases you.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

filmstrips and timelines and big blown up saturated moments

it's about maintaining proportions.

i think the key is to just hop on any ride that's available to the places that seem obvious to go. the trouble is what happens when you stand still. in between dreams. in between living. and i only live in small intense moments scattered around twenty six years of this dimension we call time - moments, that when i look back at my life span periods of years to make up one continuous loud colourful moment. life's not what it looks like when you look back. life's not what it looks like in songs, and slideshows and movies. life's mostly spent in between moments. life's mostly spent just getting by and hopefully going places where the moments last longer in this dimension we feel as time. life? or is that living?

some people may tell you that science is more practical and predicting is of great importance. but when it refuses to acknowledge my subjective experience - my reality - it is of no real consequence to me. to know how things exist and continue to go on about me is of no real importance. but to know how i exist with these things that exist. to understand my relationship to these things that go on around me. life? or living?

some people are more graceful at these things than others.

my life is a series of disjointed but intimately connected thoughts, moments and emotions.

and i imagine i will always be sad at times.

this is the cost of living for life.

where can you take me?

Saturday, June 23, 2007

ignorance is bliss?

how long do i have to sit here and stare at the little red blinking number before something inspired takes hold of me? it's too bad that's not how that works.

i trudge along now cause i know that it gets better. it always has before. i slip in and out and wonder once again am i just lazy? or slow? or is this just how it is for me? this is what i should learn to accept? trudging is on the verge of acceptance. i will dangle on this edge for some time. because if i'm just lazy, acceptance is a dangerous territory. i dangle on the edge here but in other places, i struggle to claw my way out as i've already managed to land myself in. the walls are high and treacherous.

in other places, i lie peacefully on the chasm floor.

shutup, you. go to sleep.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

wavy places

i am an invisible rollercoaster of emotion.
i am an invincible rollercoaser of emotion.

is nothing moving or am i numb?

i wander around the house with the lights off. i pretend to be productive, but usually i'm not actually doing anything. or maybe doing something but not getting anything done. i'd probably be lying if i said i wasn't scared to leave my house, but i can't be sure and i know at the very least i'm scared to admit it. i'm afraid of progress because i know i've given up and if i move forward it is in a direction that i do not like and am not yet prepared to go. i will linger for longer in the abyss. this chasm that exists without time and sometimes without space. i will listen to the air as it stills around me. it is salty like tears. if i didn't have to check the mail, i might never have opened my door.

i do not get mail to this house.

i am lost, plain and simple. and i refuse to hold anyone's hand though i reach constantly.

is this giving up or getting on?

the scope of my responsibility continues to change only i fail to acknowledge it. though i still manage to make do anyway. and of course my mom is right. being ten is better than being an adult. being an adult is boring. and every time i have a chance to rest, i am a child.

i had firm ideas of reality. i had firm ideas of magic and circumstance. i was right and i knew i would never give these up. i worry that my reality has changed. i worry that i am accepting things i have no business accepting. i worry that i am giving up a dream. i worry that i gave up and into the stream. maybe it's a matter of survival. maybe it's part of all that time spent keeping alive. maybe it's a thing called growing up. but every time i rest, i am a child.

maybe i'd still have my dreams if i didn't keep running out of time and falling asleep.

i'm not done yet... i never really give up on anything.


Saturday, June 16, 2007

when this is your backyard

Friday, June 15, 2007

my love

blog blargh

you're everything for the moment and a moment is everything. cause the only way to live is right now. i find freedom in the words that you've bestowed on me.

i tried hard to abate, to wait, to hate, too late. cause everything - everything - happens different in the morning. it wouldn't be right to take credit for these ideas because you know if it's ego, you should let go. and everything else comes from somewhere outside of you.

and anyway what happened to making sense? what happened to everything in order? forget about it, buster. that went out the window a long time ago. there was more to it then and there's more to it now and i don't know but maybe we're ready to see. bring it on, buster - we're ready to see.

and like a small child scared of punishment and consequences, she winces and holds her breath and asks for forgiveness before she's even done anything wrong.

and how can you even expect me to know what the right answer is?

Sunday, June 10, 2007

holding onto something.

the revolution will not be televised. no, of course not. the revolution happens right here. it's always happening. and because of the internet, it never sleeps. do you have any idea the power of a word? a word or a song can inspire superhuman feats. a word or a song can transcend this reality. and boy, there are many many different realities. we've got trouble with even this one. but every once in a while, we overcome this one dull reality and we enter into a new existance, however brief, however fleeting, but truer than anything we've ever known to be true. the kind you know and recognize without questioning.

you come out of the moment and again you start questioning.

Friday, June 8, 2007

ok, so you forgot a little again.

i'm trying to take up less and less space, but more and more room. i'm trying to go more places. i'm trying to cling to less and less things. i'm trying to leave fewer and fewer traces. i'm invisible, like the wind, but i come in huge gusts and then linger for the rest of the afternoon. i'm tired of being all shiny and new. i'm tired of being what you want me to be. i just sit off to the side and watch. and i was tired of being at odds with me.